Inspiration/Musings · Unclassified

…saying, goodbye.

I thought I knew where to begin.. I think I need to write some feelings, and thoughts down. Put them out into the Universe via the web. Perhaps its my way of smoking tobacco asking the Great Spirit for guidance, since I don’t smoke… or necessarily believe in any ‘Great Spirit’.
Months after my Father died I did a Google search for him. Don’t know why? Did I really think I would find my dad hanging out in Cyber Space? Too many William Gibson novels, I suppose. He died suddenly, just BLAM! Gone. Which, in retrospect is the best way I can think of. When it comes to leaving this world, on to the next dimension (if you believe in String Theory), or next level, it is better to fall asleep into a dream never to awake again this side of reality. Much better then suffering from illness, cancer, wasting away gradually in a hospital, or worse.

See, I think of death a lot. Always, actually. It has always been with me, thoughts of death, for as long as I can honestly remember. Not morbid, or Dexter-like thoughts. Though that sure would be a twist eh? 😉
Maybe it’s has to do with my Natal Chart, as most of my planets sit in the 8th House of Scorpio: Sex, Death and Legacies.
It hasn’t been easy I can tell you that much. Most of the time people have thought I’m either being melodramatic, overly sensitive, morbid, macabre, occult, even ‘airy-fairy’. But I tell you none of these adjectives describe where I’m coming from, came from or heading towards.
I’ve read and studied many various angles on the subject (life & death). From Abramelin the Mage, Aleister Crowley, {Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn} Alice Bailey, Kabbalah, Wicca, Enoch (the Keys), Madam Blavatsky, Sri Chinmoy, Sai Baba, Mayan beliefs, Shinto, the Lakota pipe ceremony, Peyote church, Tarot, elemental, Zen, Australian Aboriginal beliefs, Tao, Tibetan buddhist.. etc., etc.,
searching for meaning. Or, answers.
But nothing compares to these past few weeks.. nothing has prepared me for this. What has to be one of the most difficult decisions, a terrible decision but we seemingly have no other choice. I’ve broken out in hives on my arms, and the right side of my face! So stressed out. I haven’t been able to focus on work, finishing projects or pieces, nothing. I feel numb.

Lola.

Lola has been in my life since 2003. We met through a friend of my partner’s, who had recently gotten together with someone that took care of Lola (then called Lloyd).
Lola has kind of lived a life similar to Orlando 🙂
Well, almost. She was mistaken for a male cat ?!? apparently when she was a kitten. We couldn’t imagine calling her Lloyd. So, when we all got back home Andrei called out, “..Lola?” she made this super cute trilling sound and that was that- Lloyd was now Lola.

Lola is simply a person in a cat suit. For real.
There have been many times my partner (Andrei) and I have thought she’s going to break out speaking English any moment. Maybe French.

Other than Lola she goes by many names, some secret, some not: Mouse, Button, Cat, Meenoo.
She moved in with us when she was seven Human years old. Though we’ve never really been sure of this number.

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Lola use to sing and trill. Silent meows.
She would often watch videos with us. No joke! She really would, she seemed to especially like the Planet Earth series.

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She would sit and watch us cook, expectant.
Most likely hoping it we were roasting a chicken or grilling salmon. She loves my roast chicken!

Sometimes she’s just carrying on about stuff, I’m not sure what but it seems important at the time.
If she wanted to wake you up she would lay a paw on your stomach. A little cat barely weighing ten pounds, this paw would some how feel like hundreds of pounds! Or she would sit like the Sphinx on your chest gazing into your eyes. Sometimes I would wake up feeling something brushing against my cheek only to find her sniffing my eyelids- as if.
She almost always slept on her back.

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At some point Lola started to limp. She would run-hop around. We don’t know what happened, if she fell or what but her back left leg seemed to be hurt. Taking her to the Vet (Attila the Vet) it was suggested that she may have arthritis and it could worsen with age. A biopsy was performed and thankfully, nothing major discovered. She could get around fine.
The people that took care of Lola before us had her front paws declawed so she could never really go outside on her own. But she loves going out into the garden, wandering around chasing bugs, or things I can’t see. She’s like Yoda in that way. She walks with a heavy limp yet can jump and leap around like an acrobat!
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Over the past year her leg has gotten worse. Very sensitive, she doesn’t like anyone to touch it, pick her up, etc. So we don’t! But it is now really bad. Her left back leg joint has gotten huge. At first I thought it was due to the arthritis but no, it’s not. Recent X-Rays, blood work, etc., show it to be Osteosarcoma. To make matters worse it has moved into her lungs, plus the joint with the tumour has now become an open wound 😦
For the past couple of weeks Andrei and I have been giving Lola extra care and attention, extra treats, anything she wants to eat! Her appetite is still really good, though she only weighs eight pounds now. And she is sleeping more than usual.
Tomorrow evening, Monday October 25th Dr. Attila will be coming over…
We don’t know. We aren’t sure if we are doing the right thing! It feels terrible. While I am not the one actually injecting the Pentobarbital I feel like I am killing her.
People have kindly told Andrei and I that we are good people, and know we will make the right choice, or what we are doing is coming from a loving place. All the books I’ve read, all the ceremonies I’ve been to or taken part of, words, deeds, none of this helps now.
Why can’t she just fall asleep naturally and never wake up here again?
Does she know what’s about to happen? How we feel?

Why is it so damn hard to say goodbye?

2 thoughts on “…saying, goodbye.

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